I've been struggling for a long time now to put into words the feelings of my heart. It's kind of complex because I have A LOT of feelings and sometimes I barely understand what's going on inside there. For most people, college graduation is supposed to be this major sigh of relief. You're supposed to feel this major sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. For me, it's a major pain.
Now, WAIT. Before you start calling me a "negative Nancy" in your head let me at least try to explain.
My whole entire life has been planned up until this point. I'm not exaggerating. I have literally planned every single aspect of my life until this point and I have checked every single thing off of that list.
For most people that's something to be proud of. Maybe I'm losing perspective here, but for me it just gives me a whole lot of anxiety. You see, I didn't plan past college graduation. I was hoping that I would be married so that I could plan my life with someone.
Well, surprise surprise. I'm single.
{Don't pity me.}
Well now I'm graduated and I've realized that you can't plan on getting married. Which means that I have to plan the next, like, 5 years of my life on my own. Which, by the way, is terrifying.
And here's the thing. I absolutely resent living in fear. I feel like before I was a missionary I was scared of everything. Literally everythng. Like, I was scared of crossing the street because I was convinced a car would come out of nowhere and run me over. Ask my friends, they are witnesses. Regardless, I conquered so many of those things on my mission because being a missionary doest really give you a choice. You have to get up and do the things that most scare you. Period. And so, I did.
And yet, like a frog slowly being boiled, I can feel myself reverting to who I once was.
And it's killing me.
So I don't know if this is going to work at all, but I'm trying to make myself accountable. There are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't want fear to stop me from moving forward.
Even if I'm taking baby steps.
I have a list of things I wan't to do before I die. Some of those things I have already accomplished, most I have not. Some of those things are really silly, others are obvious. Many are really terrifying. I'm posting them here so that I can be accountable to them. I'm asking you, as my friends, to hold me accountable because I need to do something different.
As I cross these things off I will post about what I learned.
Anyway, wish me luck.
[I'm going to need it.]
PS. A complete list of my bucket list can be found in the tab above.
